Many people chase happiness through careers, trips and purchases, yet a quieter question hides underneath: what do we actually need?
Therapists, neuroscientists and coaches now converge on a simple idea: lasting happiness rests on a small cluster of deep human needs, not on the endless wishlist we scroll through every day.
Why three needs might matter more than a thousand goals
The modern happiness hunt often looks like a full-time job. We track steps, mood, productivity, income, even sleep. We set goals, then replace them with new ones the moment we reach them. That constant chase fuels a sense of “almost there, not quite”.
Relationship therapist and coach Tasha Seiter recently went viral by cutting through that noise. In her work with couples and individuals, she keeps returning to three recurring conditions for genuine wellbeing: safety, belonging and purpose. Different lives, same core needs.
Money, status and lifestyle can change dramatically. Safety, belonging and purpose decide whether those changes feel like a life or just a performance.
This trio is not a magic formula, and it will show up differently for each person. Still, it offers a sharp lens for watching your own life: where are you already resourced, and where do you feel chronically underfed?
1. Safety: the quiet foundation of a calm mind
When people think “happiness”, they often list health, holidays, maybe a bigger paycheque. Less glamorous, but far more decisive, sits a basic question: do you feel safe enough to stop bracing for impact all the time?
Financial and emotional stability, not perfection
Seiter highlights two kinds of stability that keep the nervous system from sounding constant alarms: financial steadiness and relational steadiness. The goal is not luxury. It is predictability.
- Regular income that covers essentials without daily panic.
- Debt or financial risks kept at a manageable level.
- Relationships that do not swing wildly between warmth and conflict.
- Living conditions that feel secure, not precarious.
Chronic instability makes the brain scan for danger instead of noticing joy, even when good things happen.
Research in behavioural economics backs this up. People under constant financial strain show higher stress hormones, poorer sleep, and lower performance at work, regardless of their absolute income. The nervous system reacts less to “how much” and more to “how vulnerable”.
How to build more safety in real life
Safety grows step by step. A few practical moves, even modest ones, can lower background anxiety.
- Build a small emergency fund, even if it starts with the price of a weekly takeaway.
- Automate bill payments to reduce last-minute fear and late fees.
- Set simple boundaries in turbulent relationships: fewer unplanned late‑night calls, clearer expectations.
- Limit exposure to people who constantly criticise, mock or undermine you.
These actions rarely look dramatic from the outside. Internally, they send a new message: “I am not permanently one step from collapse.” That shift alone frees energy for joy, creativity and connection.
2. Belonging: why people outlive perfect habits
Seiter’s second pillar targets something many people underplay. You can eat clean, run marathons and meditate, yet still feel hollow if you rarely feel genuinely seen by others.
The science behind feeling “with” instead of “next to”
Large-scale studies across countries keep pointing to the same pattern: people with strong social ties tend to live longer, recover faster from illness and report higher life satisfaction. Not just any contact counts. The crucial factor is a felt sense of belonging.
Belonging shows up when you feel that your presence changes the room, not just fills a chair.
This can come from family, friends, neighbours, online communities or faith groups. The form matters less than the feeling that others rely on you, miss you when you are gone, and accept more than just your curated “best self”.
Checking the pulse of your connections
Several questions can reveal where you stand:
- Who would notice quickly if you went offline for a week?
- With whom can you share bad news without rehearsing it first?
- Where can you be unproductive, silly or sad without feeling like a burden?
People often discover that they have plenty of contacts but few anchors. Social media intensifies this illusion: many interactions, shallow sense of being held.
Small steps to rebuild belonging
Belonging rarely appears from grand gestures. It grows from repeated, low-drama moments of attention.
- Text one person each day just to check in, with no agenda.
- Join a recurring activity where attendance builds familiarity: a weekly class, club or volunteering shift.
- Share something slightly vulnerable in a trusted relationship, then notice who responds with care instead of advice only.
- Create tiny rituals: Sunday coffee with a neighbour, Thursday calls with a sibling.
These moves might feel awkward at first, especially if you have learned to go solo. The reward arrives gradually: an internal sense that you do not carry your life alone.
3. Purpose: the need to matter, not just to function
The third need, purpose, has become a buzzword. Yet behind the marketing sits a very old human question: “Why am I here, and what do I give back?”
Purpose beyond job titles
Seiter points out that a person can have money and supportive friends yet still feel adrift without a sense of contribution. Purpose does not have to look grand or public. It revolves around meaning.
Purpose asks less “What do I achieve?” and more “Where do I feel that my actions leave a trace that matters?”
For some, this trace passes through work: teaching, nursing, building, coding, researching. For others, it lives in unpaid roles: caring for children or elders, sustaining a community project, creating art, campaigning, or simply being the emotional glue in a circle of friends.
Questions that help purpose become less abstract
Instead of hunting for a single defining mission, it can help to track moments when you almost forget to check the time. Those moments signal alignment between your values and your actions.
- What activity leaves you tired but strangely satisfied?
- When did someone thank you in a way that really moved you?
- If you had one free afternoon a week to “be useful” by your own standards, how would you spend it?
Purpose can shift with seasons of life. A new parent might find deep meaning in night feeds; a retiree might redirect purpose into mentoring or local politics. The key is to allow these shifts instead of feeling guilty when an old dream no longer fits.
How the three needs work together
Safety, belonging and purpose are not three separate checkboxes. They form a system. When one collapses, the others strain to compensate.
| Need | When it is lacking | Typical reaction |
|---|---|---|
| Safety | Unstable income, volatile home, constant uncertainty | Hypervigilance, burnout, struggle to plan |
| Belonging | Loneliness, superficial ties, social comparison | Numb scrolling, overwork, staying in unhealthy groups |
| Purpose | Feeling replaceable, stuck, directionless | Apathy, overconsumption, addiction to short‑term highs |
Strengthening one area often supports the others. Greater financial safety can make it easier to leave toxic relationships. A stronger social circle can open doors to purposeful projects. Clearer purpose can encourage healthier financial choices and more stable habits.
Turning the idea into a personal check‑in
A practical way to use this framework is to do a brief self-audit every few months. You can rate each area from 1 to 10 and write one action that could lift that score by a single point.
- Safety: Could you set up a savings transfer, seek advice on debt, or renegotiate a draining commitment?
- Belonging: Could you revive one neglected friendship or try one new regular group activity?
- Purpose: Could you volunteer an hour a week, start a small side project or return to a forgotten skill?
This approach avoids the trap of waiting for a complete life overhaul. Tiny improvements, especially when repeated, change the texture of daily reality more than rare big wins.
Extra angles: risks, advantages and small experiments
Focusing only on internal needs carries one risk: ignoring structural factors such as inequality, discrimination or unstable housing markets. Many people cannot simply choose safety or belonging. Any conversation about happiness needs to acknowledge this tension. Individual strategies help, but they sit inside broader social conditions.
Still, the three-needs lens holds a quiet advantage. It gives people a language for conversations with partners, friends or therapists. Instead of vague complaints — “I’m just unhappy” — they can say: “My sense of safety is low” or “I feel purposeless at work.” That precision often leads to more targeted support.
For those curious to test the idea, one simple experiment is to dedicate a week to each need. Week one: one small action for safety every day. Week two: one small gesture for belonging. Week three: one small step linked to purpose. The results rarely look cinematic, but many people report a subtle shift: less restlessness, more grounded contentment, and a clearer sense of where their energy genuinely wants to go.